Grief

Posted on January 19, 2012
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How do others handle the loss of a major or minor life character? During the hurricane I lost the friendship of a neighbor. I loved her person, her character, her stalwart understanding of self, and her zucchini bread.

She grew things. She loved digging her fingers into the earth and growing things…like zucchini. She loved life in all its forms and formats.

I miss her and will miss her until I die. And that is a measure of a life; whether there is or is not an afterlife, I will miss her in my "everafter."

God blessed her. I loved her and we shared the love of the Ave.

Grief is hard to get through.

for M
My general method is to avoid the funeral if at all possible, and only remember the fun/laughs/good times.

I lost my best friend a year and a half ago to cancer. I certainly still miss him, but I invariably remember better times, not the funeral, or the sadness that goes with it. I did go to a mass in his memory on the first anniversary, but that was more for his wife and kids than anything else. I keep in touch in case I can help, which he would have done for me.

It’s much less heartache to remember the good times than to always visualize a casket. In my case, I remember 12 hour arguments over trivial religious/philosophical/ethical issues when we were working together driving a truck in the early eighties. And all the stupid crap we got into from high school on.
not to rain on the parade but shouldnt this be in the asylum?

My general method is to avoid the funeral if at all possible, and only remember the fun/laughs/good times.

I lost my best friend a year and a half ago to cancer. I certainly still miss him, but I invariably remember better times, not the funeral, or the sadness that goes with it. I did go to a mass in his memory on the first anniversary, but that was more for his wife and kids than anything else. I keep in touch in case I can help, which he would have done for me.

It’s much less heartache to remember the good times than to always visualize a casket. In my case, I remember 12 hour arguments over trivial religious/philosophical/ethical issues when we were working together driving a truck in the early eighties. And all the stupid crap we got into from high school on.

Thank you. Maybe I can improve, doubtful but I’ll try.
I lost my mother 3 years ago. I don’t dwell on her passing, but I’m not sure when the grieving will end. I still miss her immensely.
I am interested in how others handle grief. I have begun to experience the loss of family and friends and find myself almost paralyzed by the sadness.
I try to focus on the good things. The memories that make me smile and laugh. The small actions and little details about the person, things they probably don’t even remember and never notice about themselves.

I remember my grandmother as she was getting old and a little crazy yelling at me and my brother for going swimming in the ocean at night. We of course hadn’t been swimming. It was raining which is why we were wet. The reason I remember this moment was because she had managed to put her slippers on backwards somehow. I pointed it out to my brother and we about died laughing on the floor as she started scolding us about how not funny swimming in the ocean at night is.
Your neighbor actually died in hurricane Irene? Really?

She died 7pm Saturday in her home, not due to the storm but in the peak of the storm.

My friend was one of the finest people on this planet. She lived a simple and full life. She served in the military during the Korean "war," drove a school bus at one point, but mostly she was wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother…and a brilliant gardener. She never missed Sunday Mass, has a statue of the Madonna in her front yard and had a fondness for Danielle Steele novels.

There was a uniqueness to her speech, having a bit to do with the cadence of her southern drawl and tendency to mumble when she was describing something distasteful. She could talk your ear off. But I loved listening to her. If something was wrong she called it a "mess."

I’ll miss seeing her in her garden. I’ll miss our walks together. I’ll always wish that I’d taken a tape recorder over and just let her talk into it, because she was such a character, she could go on for hours jumping from one inane subject to the next; but she made it all seem riveting. She loved life but I suppose she must have been ready to die.

Since Saturday night I practically haven’t moved. I just want to be still and sad. I don’t want to go to her funeral because I’m pretty sure I’ll lose it, but I don’t want to disrespect her family.

I wonder how abnormal I am, because every time someone I’m close to passes away I find it harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning.
Go to the funeral.
And if you loose it, you loose it. It is fine.

When I was in my early 20′s my grandfather died. I was really close to him.

At his funeral our next door neighbors showed up.
This really struck me.
They didn’t know him.
I mean, they had met him, sure. Once or twice I am sure he was introduced to them. I imagine we had had a cookout and they were all there.
But these people hadn’t shown up because they had lost someone they cared about.

Then it struck me. They were here to support US. WE were the good people they cared about. Them showing up, it was an act of support and honor to the neighbors that they cared about.

I found it very touching. I have made it a point to try to return the favor whenever I can.

—-

By going to the funeral you have the opportunity to give the message to her loved ones that she touched more lives then they knew.

Go to the funeral.
And if you loose it, you loose it. It is fine.

When I was in my early 20′s my grandfather died. I was really close to him.

At his funeral our next door neighbors showed up.
This really struck me.
They didn’t know him.
I mean, they had met him, sure. Once or twice I am sure he was introduced to them. I imagine we had had a cookout and they were all there.
But these people hadn’t shown up because they had lost someone they cared about.

Then it struck me. They were here to support US. WE were the good people they cared about. Them showing up, it was an act of support and honor to the neighbors that they cared about.

I found it very touching. I have made it a point to try to return the favor whenever I can.

—-

By going to the funeral you have the opportunity to give the message to her loved ones that she touched more lives then they knew.

I spoke with her daughter last night. Apparently Mary had been in a lot of pain which she tried to hide from visitors. Believe it or not her daughter was trying to make ME feel better. She also said it would be okay to lose it, that everyone handles grief in their own way. Apparently my "way" is to shut down or fall apart and so I’ve been given permission to have a melt down.

Thanks to all for the kind words. I just wish I’d taken the collection of the Ave I’d put on my iPad over to her. I thought I had time.
There is no cure for grief, other than time.

In some cases, especially when the person you lost was a major part of your life, such as a child, spouse, or loved immediate family member, the grief never goes away. It may not be as bad at times, but it is always lingering.
I believe that everyone who is close to us gives a part of himself/herself to us. You explore that part and live with it….she is with you. Think about her good, inspiring things that motivated you & pay tribute to her by excelling in them. A friend wants his/her friends to be happy…I am sure wherever she is she wants same….
Now I can say with absolute certainty that those who advocate against going to the wake and funeral are wrong. The wake was harder than the funeral mass. But it was all good. I surprised myself, but in the words of her daughter: She left her strength with us.

for M

Now I can say with absolute certainty that those who advocate against going to the wake and funeral are wrong. The wake was harder than the funeral mass. But it was all good. I surprised myself, but in the words of her daughter: She left her strength with us.

for M

Wrong for you, perhaps. Right for me.

You are correct. Wrong for you, right for me…and that’s okay.

I just had a friend write: "There is a reason that we have rituals like wakes and funerals. We need them to help us accept what has happened, get and give support, and say goodbye. I’m glad it helped you."

She is a cerebral person driven by logic. I’m an emotional person driven by heart. I disliked her "rituals" word choice, particularly on the heels of a Catholic mass for my friend who was devout. I just would not have put it that way.

Her word choice was right for her but wrong for me.

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